Sporting KC: MLS Latest Step Backward

The tagline here is tremendous

In the latest edition of why MLS is weak, I present to you Sporting KC.

Gotcha. Bet you thought I was going to rant about the snooze-fest that was the MLS playoffs or the ultimate MLS Cup (can you call it a "Final" without owing some commission to Don Garber?) between Colorado and FC Dallas.

Actually, it's Dallas that kinda reinforced my original premise to write today's post against the latest bastardization of soccer in the United States of America. I swear to God, shot clocks are right around the corner
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Seriously though, word is that the Kansas City Wizards, one of the original MLS franchises, is seriously considering going with the Sporting KC moniker. I'm flattered since Sporting is my club, but really? Sporting KC. What's the affinity again between Portugal and Kansas City? And what's the affinity between Sporting and anyone outside of Lisbon or Ports who have emigrated from the old country. I dare any of you who happen to be in KC reading this to find Portugal on the map first shot. Go ahead, I'll give you a sec.

Thanksfully, the Wizards faithful are rebelling. It's their team, their name, their logo and they're not giving it up without a fight. Good for them. One thing MLS got right in the early days was creating an identity for its teams that was American. D.C. United aside, the Revolution, Galaxy, Wizards, MetroStars were at least original brands for brand new teams. The league started fresh, got a bit of attention and built its own identity.

Now almost 15 years into MLS and what do we have here? Move over DC United, make room for FC Dallas, Real Salt Lake and Sporting KC. Talk about lame. Lame-o. Go ahead John Henry; Liverpool's already the Reds, right? Go all the way and make it the Liverpool Red Sox. Why not? American teams are stealing European football team names, why not vice versa.

Who cares that we call it soccer here and the rest of the world calls it, you know, by its rightful name of football? Who cares that the F in FC Dallas stands for, you know, football!! Didya know that partner? Yee-haw, that's right Football Club Dallas, that's what that stands for (Jeez, how many lightbulbs are going off in Big D right now?)

And yo, Utah! You guys who apparently won MLS last year (that's what I heard). You guys, the champs, out of the Eastern Conference, yeah you. Guess what Real means? As in Real Salt Lake? Yeah, it's royal in Spanish, kinda like the royalty of Spanish football Real Madrid, where that Portuguese guy Cristiano Ronaldo plays.

Ronaldo, you see is the linchpin here, kinda like Kevin Bacon. It all revolves around him, and everyone is three degrees of separation from Cristiano for today. Because, now, everyone in KC perk up now. Ronaldo started his career with--wait for it, wait for it--Sporting!!!!

Yes, so now when Ronaldo is 38 and too old to be chasing beards, er, ridiculously hot models, he can play out his final footballing days with Sporting KC! Yes, it all comes full circle. I love that!

The point here is that MLS is lame. Every time it takes a step forward, it stumbles like a drunken Housewife of Beverly Hills backwards 20 steps. Americans don't relate to European football, hell, Americans don't even like Europe all that much. Sporting KC, Real Salt Lake, FC Dallas; ugh ugh ugh.

I've said it before, I'll say it again. Time to grow up MLS. If you want to be like one of the big boys, act like them, don't put on one of their jerseys or take one of their names and pretend to be one.