Monday, May 9, 2011

Of Dunkin' Donuts Regular Coffee and Customer Service

Charlie Sheen and Chuck Zito at Dunks; 'nuff said.
I don't think I've ever used this forum to rant on anything but football. I'm making an exception today.

Dunkin' Donuts drives me f$%king crazy. I start almost every day with an iced coffee, and usually it's made by some kid, 18-22, whose idea of a regular coffee is a cup of cream with a dash of coffee for color. Extra-extra I think it's called. Extra-extra, for the uninitiated, is the new regular.

Go ahead, I dare you. Order a regular anything at Dunkin' Donuts and you're going to get this swirly white mass polluting what should be a cup of coffee. It will get lighter the more you swish your cup around, you see, because these lazy bastards who are charging you more than $2.50 for a cup of ice with lots of cream and very little coffee, don't fucking stir the coffee for you. That's why your first chug of an iced coffee through the straw might as well be the same act as you getting on all fours at the beach, jamming a straw into the sand and fellating it until your mouth is full of granules of pulverized sand. Same thing.

There is no greater joy to me than sliding the cup of semen-ized looking goo back at the kid and telling them, "No, I ordered regular, this is light." The incredulous looks are just precious, I want to pat them on their little extra-extra heads and soothe them that all will be well again some day.

At the end of the day, though, I don't know whom to blame; Dunkin' Donuts or the kids? Where I live, the process is automated, the machine squirts out the cream (with a little coaxing :)) and sugar. But then again, how automated is it when today's regular is tomorrow's light is the next day's extra-extra? Kids who carry Dunkin' Donuts cups as a status symbol sure as hell don't care what's in the cup or pretend to like the coffee. They need the cup in hand because sexy Suzie would look at them funny if they didn't. So my theory is that they like it light, so they make it light--and light becomes regular, because that's how they drink it, so it has to be regular. That's some fucked-up algebra right there.

Sometimes I need to rant and vent and that's why I'm doing so right here, right now. I know it's futile and I know my only option is to keep sliding the cup back until I get what I want. $2.56 for iced coffee is criminal, but it's better than Starbucks where I pay the same $2.56 for iced coffee--but I have to make it myself. For that, I'll just stay home.

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